I forgot...

...how much I love Sabrina Ward Harrison.

Reading her book has been my own form of therapy lately.

The other night I was unable to sleep and I stumbled into our computer room and pulled a book from the shelf. I ended up staying there till after midnight paging through it. It was fittingly enough "Messy Thrilling Life: The Art of Figuring Out How to Live" by Sabrina Ward Harrison.

I was amazed how every time I look through one of her books it's like I'm seeing it for the first time. I'm also so amazed and in love with her words. You read them, you relate to them, you grow, you change, you read them again, you relate in a different way, you find new meanings. As I read this time I felt like I was reading some of my own thoughts right off of her pages.

Some of my favorite pages from the book (and this is just some, the ones I opened to first, if I wrote them all I'd be retyping the book):

Page:

"Admitting today

I am a woman who wants to only weigh 123 pounds and sometimes thinks that could be the answer

I am a woman who likes her stomach flat and wants to seem like it doesn't matter all that much

I am a woman who wants to make powerful art of this world

I am a woman who can feel so lonely at the most unexpected times and sometimes I can't ask directly or tell you how upset I really feel and I hope I'll grow out of it.

I am a woman who sometimes forgets about poetry and reading in the shade."

Page:

"and I want to be loved, but not changed to fit them.

I want to live louder but not feel like a selfish person for doing so.

I want to go crazy"

Page:

" "Honey I've got to get up early" When did it become this? Why does it have to? It fades me-Dulls me

Here I am, here I begin.

Beginning over and over starting again with what I know now.

Today I wake up from a dream of a studio a place I can make and dance and teach in.

A place where i'm not too big and my work fits

The sun comes in

I want to live just in my studio, just with my colors

I don't want to live in the conventional way

I don't really want to live the way grown ups do.

The way we are trying to live now- with bills and gas and arguments about who is going to work on getting car insurance and taking the trash out and why does the bathroom smell funny and what about channel 11?

"Why don't we get NBC" and "Will you turn that down"

Sometimes I just want to live sticks and blankets

like the way of the fort

I want to live with the moonlight and dusty backroads

I want to keep on and travel light"

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us" - Joseph Campbell

Page:

" I need to make a real mess on the floor this afternoon"

Ahhh and seriously so much more...If you are unfamiliar with her work please go check it out...not only the words but the pages and images are raw and stunning.

Rainy day blues!

I have the rainy day blues.

I'm still sitting in bed unmotivated to do anything...

except play with my new programable coffee maker which my mom got me and is the coolest thing ever!

So now I'm sitting un-showered still in my PJ's with a nice cup of coffee (you have no idea how much I appreciate the little things right now and how this cup of coffee is like a cup of gold to me) I'm contemplating if I should give in and watch Eat, Pray, Love or not and wishing it was a little more spring like outside so at least I could get out and go take a walk.

Oh life...

P.s

I'm worried about this summer. I need a mix up, something new and exciting. Maybe a move or a new job.

I need to do something cool.

Oh and...I need to make a lot of money!

In all honesty I currently can barely afford to eat anymore.

The end.

it's been awhile

ahhh yes it has been awhile...

i have come to the terms that i am not good at and never will be good at updating this thing on a daily basis no matter how good my intentions are or how hard i try. maybe this says something about myself, i'm not sure...any who, on another note...

things are well.

a few weeks ago i really messed up a phone interview for a really cool photo opportunity in new york. i didn't realize it was a formal, official interview until a couple of questions in. and when we got to the part about my rates i froze. i get so uncomfortable talk about money and how much money people should be giving me to take pictures for them. i know i can make a lot of money doing it but the thing is i enjoy doing it so much that it seems silly to be getting paid such large amounts to do something i consider a hobby for myself.

after beating myself up about it for a few days i realized it was a learning experience. i learned that i really need to get my website up and running and i need to establish rates. next time someone ask about rates i need to be able to whip out a piece of paper and radial off numbers confidently.

in really good news...i semi-confidently did just that the other day. i met with a bride to be's mother the other night to impress her and the maid of honor that i was the right photographer for the job. i prepared for this by making temporary and kinda cheesy business cards, printing photos in different sizes and finishes, and typing up official price sheets and sample packages. after walking her through my portfolio we moved on to talking about price. i was scared she would question my price or try and talk me down but at the same time i knew i was being reasonable and could be charging a whole lot more. in the end, she loved my work, thought the price was just right and that i was perfect for the job!!

this is my first official client!! and the the first job i'm doing , not under someone else, where i'll be getting paid in a four digit number!! she offered to give my information to a few of her friends who have daughters who are getting married. i never saw myself doing wedding photography but i might have had a change of heart. all of this is kind of exciting and i can't wait to see where it leads me...